argh.

Tonight is one of those nights that are just a debbie downer for me. I've held myself together pretty well in the past 2 weeks...but for some reason tonight is just getting to me. I am already tired of going to bed alone and waking up alone. I am tired of trying to force myself to be happy and enjoy all the Christmas excitment when I could care less.

It is helping being home this first month of deployment...I am not getting any time to really think about how much I miss him. But I am waiting for it to hit me like a ton of bricks...

I've always heard these first deployments are the worst, they will either make or break you. I can now fully understand why they are the hardest...because I have no bloody idea what the hell is going on or what to expect. I like to know. This whole Army life hasn't left much in my control and I will admit I am still not a huge fan of that.

I have never wanted to rush a year of life before...I just want this next year to be over with like a week ago. But I keep telling myself you aren't the only woman that has gone through this and you won't be the last and I am not doing it alone...I have all of the other wives of Daniels unit going through the exact same thing. I applaud all of them, the ones that have kids...I don't exactly know how I would handle having to explain to kids why Daddy won't be there. Hats off to you ladies...you are my heroes.

It's funny how life stands so still for you but outside of your bubble keeps magically going...your world seems to have come to a complete hault and before you know it days...weeks...and months have gone by.

All in all...I have been very lucky and will be very lucky during this deployment. I have got a support system that is like no other. From Texas to Georgia I know I have someone that is supporting my husband and I during this year. It is humbling to know that.