Happy Dance

Happy Halloween Everyone!

I decided I wasn't leaving the bed today, it was a success. I've been watching The Haunted on Animal Planet...about spirits affecting children and animals, creepy, but fitting for Halloween.

But to make my boring day better, DANIEL CALLED! I got to talk to him for almost a whole 30 minutes. Doesn't sound like very long, but in military time and with them usually being busy, it was a long time. But they get Sundays off in basic, which I know is nice for the boys, rest is always nice. I am estatic I got to talk to him that long, I could do a happy dance, but I won't embarass myself. Just yet.

It gives me chills when he will ask me over and over again "Will you marry me?" Like he doesn't already know the answer! I didn't cry the first time he really asked me to marry him...out of pure shock...now when he just asks it to make me smile, I cry and tear up.

But its just reassuring to know the Army hasn't totally made him into some bad ass killing machine. Ha-ha. Welcome to another fear of mine.

I think I should name this blog " Daniel" it ends up always being about him, but you know, if you don't like it, don't read it. Its only for me to vent or share things. So there ya go. Its all relevant to me so it makes me happy to write about the good and the bad.

I am listening to Shane and Shane right now, my favorite band of ALL time. They are Christian artists, if you have time, please check them out on Itunes, or even their blog. They are truely inspirational men that do things for the right reasons. Also, their voices will blow you away. Their CD's truely do not do them justice. Seeing them live in concert is life changing...and that is the truth. They give you chills! Because you can honestly feel the presecence of God in the room when they have a concert and their is a group of believers singing and praising God. I have chills now. I wish they would come back to Georgia sometime soon!

Okay Okay, I am having a itch and I need to scratch it. The itch would be to adopt a new dog. After Daisy died, my house honestly feels dead. I have never gone more than a couple weeks without a dog in my house 24/7. We have 2 other dogs, Ruby and Baxter. But in all honesty, those 2 are made for the outdoors and not to be inside dogs! So it makes it tough, I love those 2 more than life itself, but I can't have one chewing everything and one peeing all over everything! I have been watching Animal Planet (do you see a reoccuring theme?) and this show called Pitbulls and Parolees. I am a animal lover down to my core. I have never been afraid of any breed of dog, and a Pit Bull is no exception, I think they are beautiful. But they get such a bad rap, and its the humans fault, not the animals! I know Chiuahas that can be just as aggressive as a pit, may not pack as much of a punch. But you get what I am saying!

I see all of these pits needing homes, and I want to adopt one. I know people think they are the most dangerous breed and would NEVER bring one in their home. But why not? Probably 90% of most pits are like your average dog you have. Why not give them that chance to be that great pet. Now, I am in no posistion to get a dog of my own right now, so I am realizing that I can't get a pit right now. But when I am able, and if Daniel agrees. I may save the life of a pit if its right. My daisy girl would want to save another life, just like we saved hers.

So Adopt a dog or cat! Or take in a stray! They are the best!

RIP Daisy May. I miss you baby girl.

Good Grief

So today is Daniel's birthday. All was well, I made it through the day of our 2 year anniversary, no problem. Happy as a lark ( I have yet to find out what a lark is).

Well tonight we go out to Nikkos Steakhouse, (great food by the way) located in Tyrone. Well its hibachi style so we have the chef, yada yada.

Well my chef singles me out for being the quiet girl, wish he would of focused more on my mom since it was her birthday! I was called Taylor Swift wanna be. Her hair is SO much better than mine. Anyways...the chef is like "awww you can go call him tonight..." I just sat in a bit of shock for 2 seconds...because..I can't call him. It hit me like a ton of bricks I wasn't celebrating Daniels birthday with him. So I teared up...saved it that time though. Was able to catch myself and bring myself together.

Then he started in again about how I can call him later...then they start talking about how Daniels in the Army...and I lost it. I couldn't stop myself, I felt like crap. I had to get up from the table. I was SO embarassed. I actually ended up leaving early, because I didn't want to sit there in front of people being upset, I hate looking vulnerable. It is REALLY not my style.

I hate being that upset when people have gone through 10x worse than what I am going through right now, I hate that. Makes me feel stupid. I have to tell myself "Courtney, SUCK IT UP!"

I am not this girl, never thought I would miss a man this much, or be this upset over a man. Anyone will tell you...that is not usually how I go about things. Generally, I am VERY independent and I don't need a man to do anything type of person. But unfortunately the love bug bit me... and bit hard. So I really do need him. Guess this is what falling in love does to you?

Good grief...is all I can say about myself right now. If its not one thing...it's another...and I wish I was a man in some situations so I didn't have to cry so much.

I had a moment...I really hate these moments.

One of those Days

It was definetely one of those days.

I am having an on going battle with my online school. To sum it up, they say I haven't been attending my online "webinars" correction I've attended 4, taken up 8 hours of my precious time, and yes it's precious. I could be writing my fiance a letter! Today they told me they didn't even have any records of me attending the classes. That ended up in me telling someone how to do their job. Wups?

THEN its that time of year where I have to get emissions and a new tag, and yada yada. Well emissions went smoothly, car passed. Well get to fayette county tag office (biggest joke ever) and lady gives me wrong amount for what I need to pay. I have one check. I have to go back tomorrow, because I had written the check already and then she went...oooh...noooo. Never fails when I hear those words.

I don't have much respect for anything Fayette County, personal reasons plus others. I think they are a bunch of crooks, except for the teachers. They are wonderful. And one cop. Besides that...not much respect.

So it was one of those days, but I am getting Franks for dinner, that should fix everything. Good food always does.

Power

You ever hear a song that makes you feel powerful or just boosts your self esteem? I love those, it puts me in a good posistion for the day.

It doesn't really apply to me or any situation that I am in presently but Carrie Underwoods "Undo It" really gets me going for some reason. Its upbeat and it is totally in other words a "kick a**" song. Makes me feel powerful. And makes me want to sing it to some of my ex's...no doubt.

Its the time of year when emissions on my car need to be done. But on top of that my oil also must be changed. Now everyone I have become a spoiled brat when it comes to getting my oil changed. I usually had Daniel do it. Saved me a bunch of money and time. Well...my mechanic is MIA until December and my car isn't waiting unfortunately. So I have to go pay for both...and I hate that. I am so cheap. I want the most work for the least money...makes me sort of Jewish I suppose?

It's getting super close to halloween...and as usual. I have no plans. Only to work until I am about dead at the Halloween Store. I am sure we will be totally flooded that day. It never fails. But I will be making money, only upside to that whole situation.

Well all of Daniels company had their phone privileges taken away. Someone can't get their stuff together, and I really would like to beat that person...
I know its trying to teach everyone a lesson, but c'mon! Not fair! I guess I'll have to shut up and get over it. Not good at that. But I am trying.

I sent him 4 letters in the mail today letters plus birthday cards and anniversary stuff. It all hits in one week, guess it's a good thing. Get it over with. Working towards just getting him home for awhile...all I seem to get up for in the mornings now, just to get that day over with. Sad...but very true.

But today is officially 2 months until Christmas, HOLY COW. Where does the time go? I hope it goes faster :) For selfish reasons of course. I've already got on the ball about christmas shopping I want it all done before Daniel comes home. So I don't have to fret when he comes home. I am smart...I know.

So 60 days until Christmas people...and 51 more days until Daniel comes home. Let's get it!

Honesty is the Best Policy!

So if anyone really knows me, they know me and my fathers relationship is no walk in the park. I don't have a problem sharing this, because it isn't a secret or not like anyone else hasn't walked this walk.

But tonight my father was in rare form..and of course we shared words...which is normal. I can't resist talking back, YES I do know we aren't suppose to talk back to our parents...but live in my house for a day and you'll take back, and quick.

But what he said was " I am always tip toeing around you now..." followed by some blah blah blah.

Well people, no need to tip toe around me. I am not dumb, and I can handle my crap. Im handling it now, and in all honesty, im handling it DAMN well. Excuse my french.

This is a NEW experience for me, give me a while to work my way into my new normal, okay? I'll get use to it, pinky promise. But before you go making comments like that...think twice.

Because I WILL react, and you will NOT like it.
I reacted to my father...and he didn't like it, because it was the truth. I commented back and said You don't have to tip toe around me....you aren't around me enough to tip toe.

It was the truth...and I have no problem letting him know. Or anyone know for that fact.

Don't pity me or make fun of me because I miss my future husband...don't judge my situation until you've walked a mile in my shoes. When you have, get back to me.

Also, while im on my rampage right now. People that think they are above and beyond others...you are so wrong. I don't need to hear any statistic about how my marriage may or may not work. I also, don't need you to tell me how different Daniel is going to be when he gets back.

YES he will be different but for the better, and YES I will still love him despite the changes, nothing changes true love. So again...if you want to feed my the BS about being married to a military man, try again. I love mine, with my entire being.

So to all of you military wives, fiances, girlfriends...you are the best...you can do this. As can I.

So HMPH!

Like I said, honesty is the best policy...and I am sticking to it!

Deployment

My worst fear...deployment. I never thought id be that woman..worried every day and second that her man will deploy to go fight this war. I didn't use to think this war was pointless. I use to think it was the right thing..and we needed to be where we are.

But now that I face the times of someone I love being where we are in this war...I don't like this war one bit. I would like for it to go away, and soon. I don't think they are working quick enough to end this. If they for a second walked in the shoes of a soldier or of a wife of a deployed soldier...they would think twice about everything they do. It must be so nice for politicians to sit in their mansions with their families and say we are going to end this war.

You don't sense our urgency for it to be over. Your soldiers backbones are waiting at home...and we'd really appreciate bringing them home.

No, Daniel is only in basic...not even close to deployment or even talks of it. But its very possible once he graduates from AIT. All to possible.

So republican or democrat...take a walk inside the shoes of a soldier or their family. Then honestly say you are going to end this war and bring our troops home. See if you can say it with a straight face and not have some guilt. Because you can't.

Im not asking them to do the impossible. I know these things take time. But get to it. We have soliders to bring home. Wives waiting..Children waiting...parents waiting.

Friend Day

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I've seen Daniel. That is insane. Time really is going by fast...It doesn't feel like it. But it really is. Only 59 more days left...seems like a lot. But its already gone from 70 something to 59.

This weekend has been amazing. I couldn't of asked for better friends. God truely blessed me with only the best friends. They have done their best to keep my mind off the obvious and let me try and have a good time. I appreciate them more than they will ever know! You know who you are.

Today was Friend Day at PTC3! I've participated in 8 Friend Days. It doesn't seem like that many...but i've been at the Church 8 years 2 months ago. I usually don't volunteer at Friend Day because usually you get sucked into helping wherever you are needed and this year I was in the food line. The BBQ Jim Nelms made, was AWESOME. It's what makes Friend day except for the obvious, Jesus.

It was nice to have some of the old gang back together. It's like we pick up right where we all left off in life, and act as if nothing has changed. That is awesome. I love those people. They are my family. I miss the days of youth group, a lot. I think about it often. But time makes people grow apart...and go down different paths. As it should. Sometimes, for the better.

People start college...having babies...getting married. Its insane...it seems like yesterday I was in middle school not being able to stand I couldn't be in the high school group where all the "cool" people where. Not knowing some of those "cool" people would be the best friends I have on this earth.

Life is just a shocker sometimes...you never know where people are going to land or be. Its sometimes fun to watch..and sometimes really sad.

But this week was good. I recieved 5 letters in 2 days from Daniel. They were beautiful. I needed them. Badly.

L-O-V-E letters

I recieved my first letter from Daniel today!!!! Made me bawl my eyes out. It was so sweet. I never expected Daniel to write a good letter...I thought it would be really short and to the point.

But in the letters he reaffirmed how much I love him and how much he loves me. So worth the wait...

So I went and mailed his letter(s) immediately...I've already written him like 10. I wanted to make sure I had the right address before I mailed them. I hope it doesn't take forever for him to get them...because I am sure he needs the letters just as bad as I do right now.

I am just so happy. Its been a great day for me....but not only for me but for a great friend that has had a good thing happen in her family! Yay to this day!

The early bird gets the worm...

I woke up at 7:30 this morning...I didn't go to bed until 2 AM. Its killing me. I just want to sleep in and enjoy sleep again, but my body doesn't seem to want to let me anymore. Its like I am on Daniel time in the Army...I always wake up about 5 AM and if I get lucky I can fall asleep for about 2 more hours...like I said...if I am lucky.

Haven't heard from Daniel since Sunday when he called, I am hoping for my first letter soon. I don't want to send any letters until I am 100% sure what his address is. When I find it out for sure, I will pass it on to everyone.

I am getting use to Daniel being gone...I really don't like it. I feel like im getting use to being almost single. I REALLY don't like that. But I know Im not, I know he still loves me no matter how much he may get to talk or write me. Because this love never fails.

Im just doing the every day dreaming about getting to see him at Family Day & Graduation...and getting to bring him home. Seems like a distant dream...but will be real. Soon. Because I have faith this will go fast. It has to...

Through The Years

Tonight, I look back at my grandparents and their lives together. They have been together for almost 60 something years...and they still are in love with one another.

They have never been rich...had overly nice things. But they were happy. And thats ALL that has mattered. My grandfather tells of stories of him in the Korean War, and my grandmother always says how far she drove to see him, and how she was so nervous but did it just to see him when he was at Basic Training. Seems familiar right?

I have never been overly envious of anyone...but I am of their marriage and life. I inspire to be my grandparents...down to the core. They have never been perfect...but they've been happy and loving.

My grandparents had a HUGE hand in raising me, and I am forever greatful. They made me the person I am. I love them very much. I also inspire to have a marriage like them.

I never want me or Daniels love to dwindle away like they do in so many marriages. I want him to know I love him every day...no matter how tough the day, week, month, year may be.

I know I have many years for this to come and to figure out how to make a marriage work...but I want it to work..and work right. I want that love that never ends & I believe I have found it through and through. He (Daniel) will probably read this and roll his eyes and go you are so girly, but thats us working...him rolling his eyes...and me punching him and telling him to get over it.

Then I will get that look...the look of I will roll my eyes at you..but I love you no matter what...and thats..what makes a marriage work. Forever.

One day at a time...

Well this morning I woke up not panicing...at first. So thats a start. I got a phone call from Daniel last night at about 7:30. He sounded ornery. Which I don't blame him I would sound ornery on only a couple hours of sleep too. But he still sounded sincere when he said he loved me and missed me...so I'll take what I can get. He said the hard stuff hasn't started yet and its mostly just been classes and that sort of stuff so prayers please for when it does get hard :)

Today seems like it will be a good day...I am just taking it a day at a time now...
64 more days...they've already been going by fast if you really think about it. Spent some valuable times with friends this weekend and hopefully will do the same this week & weekend...I am looking forward to it.

Well...

It's Sunday...and yesterday was the first day in 2 years I haven't had any contact with Daniel. It was weird, it was like he was a figment of my imagination all day. Like he didn't really exist.

This experience is really new for me. I don't know how to treat it. I went out with Emma last night at LaGrange had a good time...and I love her for that. But it never fails...I wake up in the morning and still panic..and still feel alone. Because I am use to doing that, and coming home to Daniel.

Hes going through some tough times these next 2 weeks..this is supposedly the toughest time for the guys. So please please say a prayer for him. I know I am.

Its Sunday, and I am wondering if hes gotten the drill sergeants that are nice and allow them to call maybe on Sundays...probably not but I can always hope right?

I have a feeling this next week won't be so bad, I hope. People are home for fall break and I will be around people more, so that makes me excited. It will make me stronger. I miss him...a lot. I feel like hes never coming back...and he will just not soon enough.

Teen Mom

I am very aware that being a teen mom is very difficult...I would not want to be in the shoes of whoever in that situation. But I believe it is do able. It is not impossible, I see examples of people doing it every day. So no offense to Teen Moms that are doing their thing :)

But the show Teen Mom, makes me wanna punch someone...especially Amber and Gary on the show. Like get your crap together, you have a little one running around now, you can't keep getting engaged and breaking up...you have to be adults! Stand up and do it. Like forreal?

Then Ryan...Maci's ex...Like kid you got it good...you live at home with your parents and you don't own up to anything adult. LUCKY YOU! Now don't get me wrong..I live at home..but I work full time and I go to school full time, so get off me. And I plan on living on my own with my husband in less than a year, once again get off me!

I am very lucky my parents have provided me with such a good life so I will be able to do those sort of things.

ANNOYED. haha

Broken

I received my last phone call from Daniel last night. It absolutely broke my heart. He was so nervous and wanting to come home...made me sick. I've never had such a urge to jump in my car and just go get him, even knowing I can't.

I feel so helpless...he has always been here for me when I've needed him during hard times, now during the most difficult time of his life, I have to sit back and do nothing, because I have no choice. How is that fair?

He is always the strong one and last night, the rolls reversed and I don't know how I feel about it. He is about to endure 10 weeks of the hardest mental and physical training of his life. I hope they don't mess him up to bad. I don't want him to come home, totally different. I fell in love with pre-Army Daniel...not the soldier Daniel, so that makes me nervous. I hope he can come home and relax and not feel like someone is going to be breathing down his back the whole time.

Every night since hes left i have the dream we are at Graduation and I am finally seeing him...its so real, then I wake up and its so far. Its not fair...it is just not fair. My mental health is going down the drain lately...this is just tough.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely...
-Charlie Brown

Exactly how I am feeling.

The First

Last night I experienced my first real mental break down of my life. I thought I had had one, but last night was real, too real.

I was just talking to my mom about it and trying to get feelings out and I just broke down, had to walk away and just cry..and cry... it sucked. And my poor mother, she just comforted me because theirs nothing else she can do. I just couldn't control my body or my emotions at that point, I was mentally exhausted.

But Daniel texted me this morning :) at 5:45 AM :( . All it said was "I miss you.." that just broke my heart. Because I think its hitting him now, like it hit me Monday. So I didn't go back to sleep...my heart started racing, and I began panicing...This is really scaring me. I've never had so called "panic attacks". Like my mind knows hes fine..but its a mind battle...and its all about myself, I ask myself am I fine though? No.

Do I have to eventually be? Yes. God I hope I will be. I have good friends and a good mother to help me just breath and try to move on from a moment. Thats all I need right now..just to help get through the moment.

I have to work at the halloween store from 4-9. I don't know how I am going to get through this, but I am going to try. People make me panic at this point.

Getting Married

With Daniel being gone, I am thinking a lot about our future marriage.
And in all honesty, I cannot wait to be with him for the rest of my life. I cannot wait to wake up to him every morning. I can't wait to sleep next to him every night and have him fall asleep and do his twitches he always has...its my favorite.

I cannot wait to be his new bride. I can't wait to be a McIntyre. Not for a very long time, but I cannot wait until we have our children together...I cannot wait to see little me and hims. Its going to be awesome, and SCARY.

I can't wait to be announced for the first time, Welcome Mr. and Mrs. William Daniel McIntyre...I mean how awesome is that going to sound?

I miss him...but my future husband will come home to me. YES! I am going to have mental breakdowns along the way..but he will come home and make me better people. Trust me.

I know.

I know I have posted now 3 times. But this helps me vent..and scream my heart out.
Daniel just got on the bus for Fort Jackson, makes me wanna scream.

I am so selfish..I don't want him to go! I just don't. I don't want someone screaming in his face. I don't want him to be gassed. I don't want him gone. This makes me just sick..I know this to shall pass...but it never seems like it! It seems SO far away. So unreachable!

I miss my anniversary, his birthday, and thanksgiving with him. It just breaks my heart. I had done so well today and now him stepping on that bus makes me so panicked...no no no.

I had done better today... I guess these are just some of those moments...

Courtney Lee McIntyre

I love when Daniel tells me he loves me..I love it even more when he says "I love you Courtney Lee McIntyre" it makes my day.

It reminds me of our future lives together and that this seperation will not be forever. Which is so comforting.

People keep telling me this puppy love will end..its only because its brand new. And that just puzzles me... Why do people think you shouldn't always have puppy love with your hubby. Wheres the fun in that?

I know theres hard time/ good times/ REALLY hard times. But thats what hes there for! To be your love and support system.

Me and Daniel have been together for almost 2 years...and I love him the same I did when I first fell in love with him. And TRUST ME...we've been through some crap together. Especially on my part.

Sorry Sorry I keep hitting on this topic, but it just makes me throw my hands up!

Also I apologize for my sappy love, but it helps to remind myself that my relationship does still exist even if hes gone!

What a Teaser...

So since Daniel has left I have talked to him every day. What a stinking teaser, because I know my luck. He will get to Jackson, and I won't talk to him barely ever!

Its really unfortunate, Daniel was suppose to leave yesterday, and he got held back instead. Had to many guys already on the bus! Then this morning hes texting me, (because he finally has his phone) he finally got called up and will get to go.

He made the mistake of telling me, that if he didn't get called today he would quit and come home and try something else, like Navy or UTI ( mechanic school). So selfish me was like DON'T CALL HIM UP! He can come home! So so so so selfish of me.

But of course at like 9 am, he got called up this morning. So he is officially going. I knew he would get called up...but I had a last glimpse of hope.

You see the military life, isn't for me. I don't think it ever will be. But to be with him, I will make it my life. I never pictured marrying someone, who is never going to be around...because deployments are going to happen, whether I like it or not.

I can only cross my fingers and hope that this war starts to end..and he doesn't have to go. But I don't have much hope of that either...I am barely handling this much less a deployment, so we will just have to see how I can work out my emotions. I can't stop thinking about him..and being somewhat sad..so I don't know what the heck I would do during that.

My emotions are so up and down right now..and not only that I have a stomach bug! ewwww. So I really feel like crap. Unfortunately I think the only thing that is going to make me feel okay is getting to see Daniel in December...I don't like the way im feeling right now, and im not sure how in the world I am going to get out of this rut.

It is so difficult to go from seeing someone..everyday..sometimes all day..to not seeing them at all..and not only seeing them but even hearing their voice. It puts me in a tail spin. BIG TIME.

I feel pathedic..and like a loser..because I am so dependent on him. Its not even right...but I am..and so be it. I always will be. Women are always telling me ENJOY IT! Its a nice break! Youll want these breaks later in life..and..thats so sad to me...I am like he is your husband..don't you want to have him home? I mean yeah one or 2 weeks, no biggy...

But when women get excited their husbands are leaving for months...that just saddens me. I love Daniel, and I love being with him. Hints why I want to marry him. Sometimes I just don't understand it.

Love sucks!

Okay so my second day...I am finally going to go public with this blog..doubt anyone will read it..but getting my emotions out is good for the soul and I just happen to not mind people reading them.

It was ROUGH this morning..I cried all morning at work..thought life wasn't going to go on. Then my boss made me laugh and it just HIT me. I am going to be okay! Daniel is going to come home, and I am still going to be in love with the same man that left! Hes my heart! Here or at Fort Jackson.

So to get my mind off of it..I shopped online..thats right..I spend money to control my emotions..get off me!

I also realized, my friends are AMAZING! I can't name you all..but you know who you are. You are special human beings to put up with my crying pathedic self! Bless you all!

And to all of my mommies and especially my own...you are amazing..thank you for reaching out and treating me like your own..and to my momma..you are the best..I may act like I don't need you..but I do 24/7. Today was the day I realized again..like every day..God is good! So GOOD! He puts people like you all in my life..and just makes me say my prayers every day. No joke.

I am still going to cry every once in awhile..because im telling myself LOVE SUCKS to just make myself get use to this being away from Daniel. Im not use to being away from him...so give me time to adjust!
I feel better just typing all of this.

I truely cannot wait to see him...the count down begins! 74 days! Not very long when you think of a lot of women who have their men deployed..I think about them when I get sad..because..they are the true heroes!

I will probably go through 20 different emotions in the next 74 days and especially beyond that but, I hope yall enjoy my life..I am going to be honest on here...as blunt as can be..Because thats who I am.

You either love me or hate me...I would prefer you love me..and enjoy my ups and downs of life!

Heart Broken...

So today was the day. Daniel left.
I am sitting in my room and I can't believe he isn't here sitting with me...

I don't know what to do with myself..I feel lost as ever. I can't remember a time in the last 2 years we have been apart this long. I don't like it.

I know people are like suck it up. Hes not leaving forever. But people need to understand, this man is my life. I cannot help I have fallen head over heels for him. He is my right hand man. He can't do wrong by me. I don't like being far way from him, I like being apart of his life..not knowing makes me panic.

Driving home after dropping him off..I seriously thought I could drive off a cliff. No no I am not suicidal...but thats how I felt. My world seemed to disappear through the doors of the recruiters office...I watched and just bawled my eyes out.

Daniel kept telling me how beautiful I am and how everything was going to be alright. I want so badly to believe him...but my heart is so broken I would just rather relish in my own misery right now.

Don't let this make you think I am not proud of him. He is doing one of the most stand up things and I am SO proud of him. Hes my knight in shining armor...but I want him here. Next to me...But hes not and I am miserable.

What am I gonna do?